Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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