omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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