I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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