Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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