Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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