Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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