I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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