my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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