she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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