My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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