It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
