Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
