please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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