I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
