Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
