Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
