He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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