bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
