every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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