cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
