hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
