just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
