so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I think weed is turning my hair brown
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
