Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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