the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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