I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
