It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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