Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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