I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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