im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
