Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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