Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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