Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
