He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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