my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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