based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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