Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
