the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
