tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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