you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
