I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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