Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
