Whatcha textin bout Willis?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Randomize
