I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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