Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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