I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
