I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
