Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
