One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
