That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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