At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
