I want to walk on stilts...naked
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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