Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
