he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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